Congratulations to my dear sweet friend Shannon for closing on her first home! You have worked very hard to take this big step in your life, and you deserve it! Keep trusting Him to give you the desires of your heart.
I thank God for friends like you, and I love you every day!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Renewal
This is the first entry in a journal I have wanted to start for quite some time. This journal is one of a semi-normal, finding-her-way-in-the-world, everyday gal who is willing to share with you her innermost thoughts, fears, and triumphs. It is the... well, the "secret me", the one few people know, put to paper. My reason for delay? Part of me was unsure of how to begin, and part of me was afraid to let you in. But here goes...
October 20, 2009 -
Hidden By Me
Having 9 months off from work because you lost your job provides you with a lot of free time. A lot of time to think, to worry, to question, to appreciate, and to want. A lot of time for second-guessing your choices, questioning your faith, and comparing yourself to others (all of those can lead you to bad places, by the way). When you lose your job, your home, your savings and a good chunk of your self-esteem in that span, you tend to get emotional. The range and ferocity of emotions I experienced during those months was something I could not have imagined before, and if I am honest, it almost broke me. The edge was closer than I would like to admit. Knowing this makes me feel weak and that's something I don't like to feel. But I must tell the truth. Many a day and night I cried, withdrew into myself, and was brokenhearted. Other times I was angry, furious with God for allowing this to happen to me; angry with my friends for being "better off" than I was. Angry with strangers for not appreciating what they had. And lest you think me completely bitter and selfish, I can tell you that occasionally I enjoyed myself, spending time with my loved ones that I had not been able to during my 10 year Climb of the Ladder. Laughing with my parents, understanding them a little better. Getting closer to my friends and their families in a way that I hadn't in a long time. Even vacationing to some pretty great places!
Sometimes I was happy, sad, angry and several other emotions all in one day! Once, while on vacation in Orlando, I was eating a fantastic dinner with my folks, talking excitedly about the day we had, when unknowingly they broached the "wrong" subject, and I began to snap at them ruthlessly. Wanting them to hurt as I hurt in that moment, not because of anything they had done, but nevertheless... Then retreating to my room of the hotel suite, filled with guilt, sobbing quietly so they wouldn't hear. Talk about a ride on the emotional roller coaster!! I am ashamed to say I cannot count the days like this on one hand.
I could not have been more self-absorbed. More self-pitying. Blind to the very God I called out to every night.
Revealed by Him
But here's the good part. This is how I know that my God loves me, in that when I was at my worst, my lowest, and all I could do was cry out, He was there. God knew what I could handle and what I could not. He, the Master Conductor, orchestrated the intervention of my family and friends to comfort me when I needed it. They were the hand of God reaching out to love me the way only He can. He was there in the patience of my family. He was there in the child-smiles of Matthew & Luke & Sophie. He was there in the voice of every friend. He was there hugging me through my loved ones, distracting me through their stories, and gently tapping when He needed my attention.
When all I could see was my self and my pain, He was still there. Waiting patiently. Loving. And He'll be there for you too.
"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. " 1 John 4:7
"I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
October 20, 2009 -
Hidden By Me
Having 9 months off from work because you lost your job provides you with a lot of free time. A lot of time to think, to worry, to question, to appreciate, and to want. A lot of time for second-guessing your choices, questioning your faith, and comparing yourself to others (all of those can lead you to bad places, by the way). When you lose your job, your home, your savings and a good chunk of your self-esteem in that span, you tend to get emotional. The range and ferocity of emotions I experienced during those months was something I could not have imagined before, and if I am honest, it almost broke me. The edge was closer than I would like to admit. Knowing this makes me feel weak and that's something I don't like to feel. But I must tell the truth. Many a day and night I cried, withdrew into myself, and was brokenhearted. Other times I was angry, furious with God for allowing this to happen to me; angry with my friends for being "better off" than I was. Angry with strangers for not appreciating what they had. And lest you think me completely bitter and selfish, I can tell you that occasionally I enjoyed myself, spending time with my loved ones that I had not been able to during my 10 year Climb of the Ladder. Laughing with my parents, understanding them a little better. Getting closer to my friends and their families in a way that I hadn't in a long time. Even vacationing to some pretty great places!
Sometimes I was happy, sad, angry and several other emotions all in one day! Once, while on vacation in Orlando, I was eating a fantastic dinner with my folks, talking excitedly about the day we had, when unknowingly they broached the "wrong" subject, and I began to snap at them ruthlessly. Wanting them to hurt as I hurt in that moment, not because of anything they had done, but nevertheless... Then retreating to my room of the hotel suite, filled with guilt, sobbing quietly so they wouldn't hear. Talk about a ride on the emotional roller coaster!! I am ashamed to say I cannot count the days like this on one hand.
I could not have been more self-absorbed. More self-pitying. Blind to the very God I called out to every night.
Revealed by Him
But here's the good part. This is how I know that my God loves me, in that when I was at my worst, my lowest, and all I could do was cry out, He was there. God knew what I could handle and what I could not. He, the Master Conductor, orchestrated the intervention of my family and friends to comfort me when I needed it. They were the hand of God reaching out to love me the way only He can. He was there in the patience of my family. He was there in the child-smiles of Matthew & Luke & Sophie. He was there in the voice of every friend. He was there hugging me through my loved ones, distracting me through their stories, and gently tapping when He needed my attention.
When all I could see was my self and my pain, He was still there. Waiting patiently. Loving. And He'll be there for you too.
"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. " 1 John 4:7
"I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
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